a small boat
one with the river
needs no boatman

i am walking, made of sand
wind blows and sand shifts
sand enters from all directions
and leaves
no grain stays for long
my shape shifts

walking in the wind
made of sand, yet
i am.

swim through life as a duck
swims through the river
experiencing every
current every
bank every
overhanging branch every
glistening pebble every
rippling reflection of the sunrise

swim through life as a duck
swims through the river
experiencing every current
and not getting wet

like a pool of clear water
in the breeze rippling
sparkling with joy;

and in silence, reflecting
you show me
my own self.

you are grasping
scratching at the surface
as it slips away
from you. stop!
let go
let the angels carry you home

mask

then one moment, you realize
the mask you put on every day
won’t come off
the mask has become your face.
what is your reality?

- x - x - x -

but you still breathe the same air
wake up to the same sunshine

Growing up, I would listen to recordings of Tchaikovsky’s magnificent Swan Lake several times a week for years. One of my favourite books was an obscure tattered second-hand edition I’d picked up of “The Dancing Star“, a biography of Anna Pavlova, the ballerina who created the role of The Dying Swan. So I had to see this film. I had pretty high expectations, and Black Swan - with a stunning performance by Natalie Portman and brilliant, macabre direction by Darren Aronofsky - exceeded them.

The film starts with an efficiently executed survey of the cliches of ballet: Nina (Portman), the young New York ballerina, lives with her mother, and lives out her mother’s dreams as she gets selected in an audition for the lead role in a new staging of Swan Lake. Her mother was once a ballerina too, but then she had Nina instead. In penance, Nina must live as her “sweet girl” in a pink room full of stuffed toys and breakfast on grapefruit. Ballerina toes bleed in gruesome close-up; the artistic director, suitably arrogant and French (Vincent Cassel as Thomas Leroy), gropes and kisses Nina. Beth (Winona Ryder), the previous star, now apparently too old, has been retired and is jealous.

Swan Lake, the ballet, has a plot as superficial or deep as you want it to be, like many works of classical ballet and opera. Princess Odette is cursed by an evil sorcerer and turned into the White Swan; she can be freed from this curse by true love, on cue arrives Prince Siegfried. Several distractions later, as the prince is about to declare his love and free Odette from the curse, he is seduced by an impostor, the sorcerer’s daughter, Odile: the Black Swan. The White Swan appears, but it’s now too late; cursed forever to remain a swan, she drowns herself. The prince, deceived and despairing, joins her.

The film eschews the ballet’s character names, preferring the colours that fill its visual palette (along with blood-red). This makes sense, as the new production requires Nina to play the role of both White and Black Swans. This frigid, pure, virginal, “sweet girl” does the White Swan justice. Thomas thinks she is technically perfect (a concept illustrated in this clip by the Bolshoi); but Nina needs more sensuality and seduction to play the Black Swan. “Homework assignment: touch yourself” Thomas advises, and the groping, in this light, could be seen as pedagogical.

The Black Swan is not merely passionate, she is Evil; less seductress than succubus. As we realize this, the plot of the film seems to merge with Swan Lake itself, turning brilliantly insane. In what one might call involuntary method acting on steroids, Nina sees the spirit of the Black Swan all around her, in the form of Beth, her own mother, and Lily. Played by Mila Kunis, Lily is Nina’s alternate, a sensual, seductive (and to Nina’s eyes, Evil) ballerina visiting from San Francisco. Nina’s visions, which we are invited to share and find bewitching, irresistible, seep through the film in drops of blood and black feather barbs, as she tries or is compelled by some unknown force (”the only person standing in your way is you”, says Thomas) to live out her dream role. By the third act of the ballet’s opening night, Nina emerges as the Black Swan in a thrilling performance to a roaring audience: her transformation is complete.

She has become a true dancer; she is able to morph into the White Swan for the final act without much difficulty. But the ballet and the film come to a close in a shattering climax that the viewer knows, by now, is inevitable. It is the only ending that can render this performance of life and art, in Nina’s words, “perfect”.

it’s always the little things
that count

little unimportant things
a particular smile,
the convenience of
soundless communication,
trusting blindly.

little unimportant things
your fingertips want to do,
just out of habit.

but your hand is missing.

a lot of things can be done with dressings. with a steamer, steamed vegetables, tofu, etc, are quick and healthy, and become exciting if a warm dressing is used as a tempering.

i’ve included here a bunch of 10 of them that i like, along with suggestions for vegetables that go with different dressings.

perfect as tadka - tempering -  to add to steamed things, a warm (or even cold, if you like) dressing for salad, or a base for a quick stir fry.

Ingredients for home-made garam masala

in general: heat oil, if it’s mustard oil then heat to smoking point; add things, fry for a few seconds, then drizzle over salad/steamed veggies or add raw things to stir fry.

any suggested oil can be substituted with something neutral like sunflower oil instead.

as i don’t have a photograph of any of these, i included a picture of the ingredients for home-made garam masala, which i made some months ago. roast, mix, grind!

1. bengali-ish
1-2 tbsp mustard oil
1 tsp panch phoran (equal parts cumin, aniseed, fenugreek seeds kalonji/onion seeds, mustard seeds)
optional green chilli / red chilli
optional chopped ginger

2. south-indian-ish
1-2 tbsp til (unroasted sesame) oil
pinch of hing/asafoetida, 1/2 tsp mustard seeds, few curry leaves
optional sliced green chilli / red chilli
optional chopped ginger
optional grated coconut
optional tsp of urad / arhar / pre-soaked chana dal
optional black whole peppercorns

3. hing-jeera
1-2 tbsp peanut oil
pinch of hing/asafoetida, 1/2 tsp cumin seeds, dried whole red chilli
optional pinch of coriander powder

4. dhania-jeera
1-2 tbsp peanut oil
1/2 tsp each cumin seeds, coriander seeds, dried whole red chilli
optional chopped onions and/or tomato
optional pinch of garam masala, amchoor

5. sichuan
1-2 tbsp peanut oil
1-2 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
2 whole red dried chillies
1/2 tsp whole sichuan peppercorns
optional splash of soy sauce

6. sweet-sour (date-tamarind)
1-2 tbsp peanut oil
pinch of fenugreek seeds, whole dried red / green chilli
1 finely chopped tomato
1/2 tsp  sugar or 2 or more chopped dates
fry till tomato is soft then add 1/3 tsp tamarind concentrate dissolved in 2 tbsp water (alternatively, juice of 1 lime)

7. garlic-spring onions
2 tbsp olive or peanut oil
1-2 cloves garlic, sliced
1 finely chopped tomato
1 bunch spring onions, green parts only, finely sliced
splash of vinegar (balsamic or other)
optional: add chopped coriander at the end, and/or leave out spring onion altogether
fry garlic with tomato for 1 min, add spring onion & mix for another 1 min, just warming through, not completely cooking. finish with vinegar.

8. aglio olio
2 tbsp olive oil
1-2 cloves finely chopped/sliced garlic
dried red chilli flakes
optional: fresh / dried basil and/or oregano and/or other herbs and/or chopped tomato

9. soy ginger
1-2 tbsp peanut oil
1 tsp finely chopped ginger
1 tbsp lime juice
splash of soy sauce, dried red chilli flakes / chopped red chilli
pinch of sugar
fry ginger for 30 secs, finish by mix in other ingredients.

10. cumin-raisin
1-2 tbsp peanut or olive oil
1/2 tsp cumin seeds
2 tsp raisins
1 tbsp lime juice
chopped coriander leaves
fry cumin and raisins, mix in other ingredients
optional: pinch of coriander powder fried with raisins.

mix and match

pick one of the dressings based on the main ingredients you’re putting together.

for instance (in my opinion):

carrots go well with 2, 3 (especially if diced small - even raw), 6, 10
cucumber - cubed or finely sliced, raw or steamed - goes well with 5, 7, 9
cauliflower, broccoli, brussels sprouts etc go well with 3, 4, 10
cabbage, radish, etc go well with 2, 6, 10
aubergine, pumpkin, soft things go well with 1, 3, 6
spinach, green beans, other greens go well with 1, 4 (with tomato), 5, 8
tofu, paneer, potato would go well with 1, 2, 5, 6

shards of glass
glisten, the colours
glow, sparkle

ragged edges bleed shinily
is it the colour stain, pain? or
glinting sunlit joy?

more beauty, shattered, stained
more than a dull blank clear sheet,
of glass unharmed. unarmed. framed.

happiness from sorrow
beauty from pain
life from death
are people too, like window-panes?